Disclaimer: This is another touchy subject. I am almost afraid to even say anything about it but that is also what encouraged me to actually say something.
I have been following multiple interracial dating websites, blogs, Facebook pages and YouTube channels for the past few months. The amount of controversy, hatred and misconception in regards to interracial dating is over my head. The point of me writing this piece is not to continue the drama, but to give a different perspective to some of the issues that I have come across over the past few months.
Let’s get to the real issues:
First off, most of the issues seem to be focusing on black women dating white and Asian men. As an open minded black woman who is not hating or judging women’s or men’s choices to date whomever they please or attracted to, I have a different take on all of this. I will tell you what I have read or heard on the following issues and what my take is on them.
Black men ( some) are angry that black women are dating ( honoring) white men ( aka snow kings) instead of black men
- I have read countless comments black men make on some of the interracial dating pages degrading black women who’ve decided to date and marry white men. Even black women make similar comments. Actress Tia Mowry have been called a number of names for marrying a white man, including, ” you are not a real black woman for marrying a white man”, ” at first they ( white men) took you because you had no choice, now that you have a choice you are giving yourself for free”, ” your sister is a real black woman because she is married to a black man”, ” white’s man whore”. The comments go on and on. My questions is, isn’t both women ( Tamera and her sister) half white? I’ll let that sink in a bit.
- The owner of Beyond Black and White, puts it this way, ” why can’t black women explore their options when men black can?” Whoever you choose to be with and call your king or queen should not be because of a color, at least that is what I think.
- I am an outsider looking in, I am not attached to or affiliated with any website, blog or YouTube channel encouraging or against interracial dating. I follow them for the sole purpose of research. However, I do agree with the statement, black men seem to have no problem downgrading black women for other women, but throw a fit when black women date other men. I don’t think it makes black women less of women when black men date other women or vice versa. I really don’t understand why we all can’t date whomever we want and move on with our lives.
Black women are frustrated that black men are calling them names for dating outside of their race
- There is a plethora of comments, videos on YouTube, and blogs that are against black women dating white men. There are other races who participate in interracial dating and it does not seem as if their own race is giving them hell about it ( except for Indians, I learned that they really don’t want their children dating other races, hmmm…). The black men’s response is, black women are “honoring” white men, they are traitors, they are this and they are that.
- Please keep in mind, I am not taking sides here. I am simply stating the issues I am observing in those communities. The black women who decided to venture off and find love and appreciation elsewhere are frustrated that they are being punished for making a choice towards their happiness. These women are claiming that they have had terrible experiences dating within their race so they decided to look elsewhere. The author of Beyond Black and White puts it this way, ” go where you are celebrated not tolerated.” Her take on the whole matter is that if black women or any women are not having successful relationships that lead to marriage with men within their race then they have all the right to look at other options.
Black men get no punishment for dating white women
- “Black men date white and other women and there is no ifs or buts about it” , replied a black woman currently married to a white man. “I have heard black men chant about how white women are more feminine, more obedient, more relaxed, more this and more that, but when a black women say positive things about dating white men, black men feel betrayed”, replied another black woman.
- This is how I see it, some black men feel that black women should only have black men as an option and black women feel that if there is no consequences for black men dating outside of their race, then they, too, deserve the same right as well. There should be no punishment for dating in or out of your race. We divided ourselves so we can create more issues to fight about. When God created the world with all of its beauty, including mankind, I am pretty sure He did not do it so we all could stay in a bubble of the same size, shape, and color as we are. What is the point of having many different groups of people if we can’t interact with each other.
Black women are said to make it an extreme accomplishment when white men show interest or agree to date them
- ” What is the point of black women making a huge deal about it ( as if it is an accomplishment) when they are dating a white man and why are there so many people following Beyond Black and White and other pages shining lights on black women dating other men”, a black man asked this question on a video he posted on YouTube in regards to black women honoring snow kings. I agree that there is a multitude of pages and blogs emphasizing black women who are dating white men, however, those pages also focus on interracial dating in general. For whatever reason, black women and white or Asian men have more of an emphasis. If I had to guess, I would probably say maybe it is because other women have been dating inter-racially freely for longer than black women and other men ( this is simply my guess).
- Again, some people are making interracial dating a foreign interaction. Do you seriously think that a group of people in the same place will never interact one way or another over the course of time? Love makes the world go around, eventually, regardless of how much we try to separate ourselves, divide ourselves into races, love will catch fire in our hearts if we allow it. Some people choose to allow love to catch fire in their hearts and others choose to giving them hell for it. I don’t see it as an accomplishment to date a white or any other men. I think these women are flaunting their interracial matches because they want the world to see that they are lovable too, they are worthy of respect too, they are human too. In reality, it is all a matter of preference. Whoever treats you better in relationships is who you are going to gravitate towards. There are successful relationships and marriages among black men and black women who prefer each other and there are successful relationships and marriages among black women and white men who prefer each other. I don’t think the issue is whether white men are better than black men or vice versa. I truly think it is a matter of two people who are compatible, love, and respect each other enough to make their relationship successful. What makes a great relationship is not the color of our skin, but the effort and love we put into each other.
Black men claim that black women act ( speak, behave, treat, etc…) better with white men
- The same man from the video I told you of earlier also mentioned that black women roll their necks and snap their fingers at black men but with white men they use words like “super cool” to describe activities and pictures. He made the claim that black men don’t date black women( as much anymore or some choose not to all) because of their attitudes and everything else, but when those same black women( the ones who roll their necks, snaps their fingers and all) date white men, they act differently. Maybe, for those particular women the white men they are dating bring the best out of them? I am just saying (please be mindful that I am not taking sides here, I am speaking for both parties). My questions are; why are these black women supposedly act better with white men? Is the better attitude out of fear or mutual respect? I will let you ponder upon that…
- I believe we treat people the way they treat us. If someone is disrespecting you, you are more likely to respect him in return. If someone treats you with respect, you are more likely to reciprocate. It takes a special kind of person to disrespect someone who is being respectful. To counterattack the black men’s claim, black women are saying that black men treat them with disrespect as if they are simply an option. The author of Beyond Black and White also mentioned, ” the black community is divided into light skin versus dark skin. When all-skin type black men prefer light skin black women, what is left for the dark skin black women?” “They are left to explore other options”, she replied. It seems as if most of the interracial couples consist of dark skinned black women and white men (don’t hold this against me, I don’t have the stats to prove that yet)I don’t even want to get into the whole light versus dark skin conversation. Again, we divide ourselves and wonder why everything is an issue.
To conclude this lengthy piece, I would like to leave you with this: A few of years ago, I started writing down other people’s responses about what makes great marriages and relationships ( search What Makes Great Marriages and Relationships Work to read the article I wrote) work. Out of the responses I have received over the years, whether the couples are in interracial relationships or not, no one responded that the relationship is successful because they are dating someone outside of their race. That goes to show that color does not determine the longevity or success of any relationship. I have seen great marriages with people who are married to others in their race and the other way around. Somehow, we have made color the reason to do and not to do things. I believe we are taking it too far. At once, we were fighting to be accepted beyond our skin color, now, we are against that acceptance we fought so hard for before. What do we want?
Disclaimer: This is not to bring drama to this site. This is to bring a new perspective and hopefully start some intellectual and positive conversations about this rising issue.