I heard someone say not too long ago that they didn’t need friends. I thought to myself, “Really? Humans need relationships. We aren’t meant to navigate this world alone.” I asked them why. Their response went on to say how they’d been betrayed, used, and manipulated by so-called friends. I then commented that it wasn’t “friends” that were the issue; it was the friends that they’d had. Friendship wasn’t the problem. Similarly, I’ve also heard people say, “Love hurts.” Usually I say nothing to that because it’s their hurt talking, and their bad experiences voicing their opinions. Unless they invite me to speak into their life, I don’t give them my usual, “Love doesn’t hurt, loving the wrong people does,” speech.
Along those lines, one of the most common sentiments in the current climate of feminism is, “I don’t need a man.” This is no different than the first two I listed, except this one is easier to believe. A lot of women chanting it have been victims of bad men or bad relationships. It sounds perfect to the woman who became fully dependent on a man, gave him her all, and he walked. It fits because it’s saying “I’m not gonna let any man do that to me ever again.” In some cases, the man didn’t do anything wrong by walking out of the relationship for a just cause, but it brought hurt to the woman expecting the man to fulfill her, make her whole, etc., which is where her problem lay.
At any rate, I agree with the idea of not giving yourself to the wrong person, but my issue starts at the promotion of the idea that healthy love is not needing the other person. It starts to say giving too much of yourself is wrong. WHAT? No, giving too much of yourself to someone who loves you without a doubt and wants to spend the rest of their life with you, is GOOD. Love is about two people becoming one. How can you be one if you don’t need each other? Love is finding your soul mate, your complimentary piece, your other half. I need my wife. I’ve never said “I don’t need a woman,” but I have said “Don’t give too much of yourself” after that very thought backfired on me. Now? I say GIVE IT ALL. I want to give my wife all of me, all the good I can dish out. I’m giving her all my heart, soul, money (lol), etc. Love and a lasting healthy relationship are about putting your “all” together in a pot, mixing it, and using it to build a life. I need all of my wife, just as she needs all of me.
We need you ladies lol
“I don’t need a man” is a perfect chant when you are single and not looking for a partner, but focus on doing you. It’s fine there if it has become your thing, but if left unchecked, it can also create this false idea that you don’t need anyone, which is rampant in this current society. But you do. You need friends, you need family, and you need people who love you. One of the things I find crazy is when people say they don’t need friends and family, but they spend countless hours online building meaningless relationships with random people. That’s too safe; you don’t know their worst, they don’t know your worst, you keep a presentation, and you cut them off whenever. It’s not that you don’t need anyone, your need for someone is being occupied.
This famous Eartha Kitt video is floating around the internet and many are applauding it. In the flicker of this old interview, she laughs at the idea of compromising in a relationship with a man. “A man comes into my life and [I] have to compromise? FOR WHAT?” She then continues to say, “When you fall in love, what is there to compromise about?…I think, if you want to think about it in terms of analyzing, yes. I fall in love with myself, and I want someone to share it with me. I want someone to share me with me.” I’m afraid many who agree with the popularity of this saying and videos like it are heading towards one-sided relationships that now give women the upper hand as the dictator instead of the wrong man (a wrong for a wrong don’t make it right). When you focus on how much the person can bring because you don’t need to give, you’re setting yourself up to believe “‘I don’t need a man or anyone’ because they only brought me hurt, disappointment, and all the bad I won’t have if I only rely on myself.” It’s safe, it keeps the fear at bay, but giving your new man a taste of the medicine the bad men before gave you, is not the solution.
This mindset for lasting relationships is especially toxic. It’s not about “Who doesn’t need who?” it’s about “We need each other to build.” No man will build with a woman who feels that she doesn’t need him. When you make someone feel that they aren’t needed in your life, they are just an option, you show them exactly what love isn’t. You are telling them they are disposable. Part of love is the feeling of being wanted, needed, and accepted. When you feel like you can be replaced, you don’t invest your whole heart, you don’t build love, and you merely exist in relationships.
The hopeful thing about all of this, is that when you do fall into a healthy relationship where they love you hard and you begin to see the great things about love, it convicts the selfish mindset within you (in many cases). It drives out the fear and ushers in the trust. My wife used to be a single mother with this mindset. My loving her with all that I am has destroyed so many false beliefs that could’ve destroyed our marriage, not only for her, but for me as well. Just as I stated in my blog, “Marriage Is Not About Your Happiness,” marriage (love) is about how much you are willing to give rather than receive. Love is not about “you sharing you” with someone, it’s about two people investing themselves into something greater than themselves.