We live in a day and age where sex is more valued than love. Teens of this era aren’t doing the things teens like me were doing at the age of 10: trying to get our first kiss, writing love letters, and sharing each other’s jackets. Kids today are snapchatting nudes, trying to amass social media followers, and exchanging sexual favors. Of course, this doesn’t define every teen of today, neither was every teen when I was growing up, innocent. As it gets harder for many to live without falling easily to instant gratification and relying on sex as a mode of communication, there are those out there whose focus is solely to abstain from that lifestyle and wait for love. Let us take this moment to give a shout out to all the virgins out there,
whether it is choosing to do so because it is what is spiritually right, or it’s a personal choice without any influence. It is an absolute honor for me, a man with a sexual past, yet made the choice to be celibate and wait until marriage with my wife, to share some insights with you:
1.) It is crucial to build with someone who will be celibate with you, and honor that in the relationship.
One of the main ways that people fail to achieve their goal on this journey, is because they naively pursue partners who have no absolute desire for the same goal. When someone doesn’t want to do something, they will never put effort towards it. This means that a partner who doesn’t see eye to eye with you will easily try to influence you to do the opposite. We want sex, we love sex, therefore the greatest fight will always be to stay disciplined enough to say no. How much harder will it be to say no when the person whom you’ve developed feelings for, is begging you to say yes? This takes us to our second
2.) Do not underestimate lust and overestimate your strength.
Quite often, people test their weakness to temptation by facing temptation head on, instead of running from it. Their thinking is that if I don’t fight temptation face to face, then I’m weak. That is quite the contrary! If something tempts us, it means there’s something about it that we like. That is the power temptation can have, though we fail to acknowledge it quite often. If you like it, you’ll always find more reason in you to do it, than to not. The best way is to run, run from the temptation. Run from certain kisses, run from certain touches, run from certain moments. Do not try to see how far you can beat it. You will lose.
3.) Set strict boundaries; no boundary is silly.
You have to develop the mindset that you must do whatever it takes to achieve this goal. Our thoughts, what we listen to, what we talk about, and what we read about and watch, all have a say in what we do. Music puts us in certain moods, our thoughts influence our decisions, certain conversations can lead to certain choices, and certain movies or videos can spark interest in us. You know where I’m going with this. Be careful with what you watch, read, listen to, and talk about. It might sound silly to the common person that you have to do all this, But the reality is that no matter what someone is trying to achieve, they have to go places others will not go . This can mean a strict discipline. I know a professional athlete who monitors and calculates everything she does in terms of food, because she has to be the right way to achieve the right goal. (certain amounts of fat, muscle, etc.) To me, that may sound extreme as an ex-athlete who ate whatever and perform good back in my old days, but the fact is, that I didn’t have the goal she has. I wasn’t trying to be the best at my sport, and I wasn’t at the level she is and aspires to be. You get the point.
4.) Date differently.
I started the blog talking about what to do when selecting a partner, so it makes sense to also touch base on what to do when you have a partner. There’s no greater time for celibacy to be hard, than when you are actually with someone. We associate love with sex and there is nothing wrong with that, but we must keep in mind that sex is a product of love. Love is never a product of sex. This means sex comes as part of love, but you must have love to begin with. To my wife and I, love meant committing to each other for eternity. Until I put the stamp on it, I didn’t want to have sex. I desired sex, but I didn’t want or need it then. I wanted to honor God, but also develop a love life uninfluenced by any lust. What we had to do, was date different from the norm. We went out on actual dates, instead of “Netflix-and-chilling.” We came over to each other’s place, but never stayed too late. I spent the night at her place one or twice while I was visiting from out of state, (I slept on the couch), however we didn’t build a habit of staying with each other. To keep on this celibacy journey, you can’t do what every couple finds comfortable. To them, having sex on the regular is comfortable.
If you are on a journey of celibacy, I would like to say I am proud of you. Continue to be different in this generation. I hope you find your love partner, and that the wait isn’t too long. This blog post was to highlight certain things that helped my wife and I, it wasn’t written to tell you the exact way to do it. There are more people like you out there than you realize, and there are more people who applaud these things than you think. Continue on this beautiful journey, I hope these words somehow blessed you.